I hope you see this and forgive me .
My first year of university ended with a high note.
Passing first year in the dental school had been my ultimate goal, and I made it, despite the real truth that I had barely survived it. The holidays are here , i should be busy catching up with friends and other stuff I always do -- enjoy. But somehow I had brought on something on myself that had doomed this holiday .
I need to write about it. I need to write about you. Because one day when I looked back at it, i need to remember I was once okay, and that I was happy for a brief summer, and that everything had seem perfect.
Dear you who taught me how to love, the hard way,
Yes, you. 4 months being with you. It was indeed a great one. I would spare the best details of it and keep them in my mind so that all i remember about you were the good ones.
The night after you decided you wanted to end it, I had wanted to beg you to give it a chance ( like you had asked me to) , but seeing what you had replied in the plea to end it, i chose to asked you for the permission instead. I got a blunt NO. I got a laugh from you that i only converted my typed messages to voice messages. Well, that did made me feel annoyed, because to you, everything looks the same, the effort, my effort will always be the same. Never more. But, my point isn't on that. Today, i owe you an explanation, the explanation why i respected your decision even though i thought it's unfair.
We have too much differences. Differences that even made you think I was somebody who would care less about everything until i needed it.Being somebody with good social skills, it was against your principle and you slowly stopped believing in me that I could change. I had to agree that they are something I needed to think and be careful about while dealing with people. I had disappointed you for being not very thoughtful. Like you said, I just don't care.
But I DO. It's just that the phrases that I used seem to show the opposite. Well, that wasn't the main point either. The main point was, this thing had bother you, to a point that you hated it and see no point or hope in me to improve, but you only told me these, all these differences , like what-- 30 minutes before you dumped me. Did I even have the chance to improve or correct myself ? And, to be exact, you told me you stop believing in me long ago that I would change. That's like sentencing me to death and then telling me what was my sin. Just that, i don't think i deserve it this way.
Don't you think when 2 people are together, we helped each other to grow and become better for each other ? But you did not stay, you judged me for the incapability of improving, you didn't think you could help, you denied every possibility we had , you gave up whilst I was still fighting for us.
You said you are tired to be in this relationship for the last one month. Yup you're tired, of choosing a way out of it. We both are, the thing is you're tired because you think you had tried your best , and why can;t I see it or understand? The reason was, you have changed. Yup, I changed too. But you see, you kept saying you are changing, you like changing, and that You will always be changing. You have this mindset that change is inevitable and it's not your fault. But have you ever slowed down awhile and thought about what this change of you has brought about to others ? Did you ever evaluate the effect of it ?
Adapt. Yes. I fail terribly in that . But did you ever adapt to the fact that not everybody can accept your 180 degrees change ( although in this scenario we are talking about just me ) ?That sometimes, just like studying, you revert back to old methods because you know it didn't work, or you improvise on it. And , that is still change, but not changing and never looking and caring back. And then when I couldn't cope with it, i needed you to stop, but you wouldn't wait. even if you did wait, did you try to help ? Let's just say if you did help, did you believe i could. NO. NOT EVEN ONCE. You just keep on moving forward and let me played out my own strength each day. And day by day, you let that thorn bothered you until it disgust you.
You said you can't compromise. But please bear in mind, there's no such thing as can't compromise if you want to be in a relationship. There needs to be a balance. It will never work without any compromise. You need to remember this . You need to remember that change is good, but you need to help people along the way so that both of you can move at the same speed together and land on the same page. Not just -- I can't stand it and leave. Because this is really what you did. You need to give people a chance. You need to slow down sometimes. You need to talk and be more open to people, especially to the person who is with you. We had a great time in the beginning because we did all this talking about both our insecurities and giving each other the reassurance. These things can never end because whatever that started the relationship, build-ed the trust between two person , they are definitely the key to keeping it alive. It's just like a building, cement and bricks are the things that made a building a building, and they will always have to be, without them, it's hard. You need to understand that you need to be careful of the choices of words you use, especially to the person you care the most, we don't have the same amount of immune level as you. If you truly care about the person, you will know one day how much it mattered to them, every word and tone that you used. You will always leave a scar on them, just like how people left scars on you. You left some on me, you just didn't know it did, and I didn't point it out and i won't bother because now it doesn't matter anymore to you. You need to remember that, you need to make the person you care most feel that you do care all the time, that you are always there, so that they believe you and in them, but of course it needs to be of the same intensity. I know you will disagree with alot of them , or that they are just repetitions and unimportant to you. But, I know, one day, you will understand, when you meet the right person for you who could also love you the way you want to be loved, you will know that all these little things mattered the most.
I am sorry we couldn't love each other the way each of us wanted to be loved. And I am sorry I had made it difficult for you because of all my flaws. We both wanted it, but we are both not ready for each other in our own eyes. Or we may be, but we are just not made for each other. 4 months, you taught me that I could love someone again, but this isn't the way to love and I need to change while I move on. You taught me more things about myself than I have about you and I am very grateful for it. I told my mum about us, but I denied her your name and picture because I don't think it matter at all because what is important is that I never regretted this, and that you are somebody good and that I don't deserve to be with you.
I will always remember , and care about you. This can't be changed.
And if being friends is not too much for you, say hi and smile when we meet, won't you ?
Thank You ,for once being mine.
Passing first year in the dental school had been my ultimate goal, and I made it, despite the real truth that I had barely survived it. The holidays are here , i should be busy catching up with friends and other stuff I always do -- enjoy. But somehow I had brought on something on myself that had doomed this holiday .
I need to write about it. I need to write about you. Because one day when I looked back at it, i need to remember I was once okay, and that I was happy for a brief summer, and that everything had seem perfect.
Dear you who taught me how to love, the hard way,
Yes, you. 4 months being with you. It was indeed a great one. I would spare the best details of it and keep them in my mind so that all i remember about you were the good ones.
The night after you decided you wanted to end it, I had wanted to beg you to give it a chance ( like you had asked me to) , but seeing what you had replied in the plea to end it, i chose to asked you for the permission instead. I got a blunt NO. I got a laugh from you that i only converted my typed messages to voice messages. Well, that did made me feel annoyed, because to you, everything looks the same, the effort, my effort will always be the same. Never more. But, my point isn't on that. Today, i owe you an explanation, the explanation why i respected your decision even though i thought it's unfair.
We have too much differences. Differences that even made you think I was somebody who would care less about everything until i needed it.Being somebody with good social skills, it was against your principle and you slowly stopped believing in me that I could change. I had to agree that they are something I needed to think and be careful about while dealing with people. I had disappointed you for being not very thoughtful. Like you said, I just don't care.
But I DO. It's just that the phrases that I used seem to show the opposite. Well, that wasn't the main point either. The main point was, this thing had bother you, to a point that you hated it and see no point or hope in me to improve, but you only told me these, all these differences , like what-- 30 minutes before you dumped me. Did I even have the chance to improve or correct myself ? And, to be exact, you told me you stop believing in me long ago that I would change. That's like sentencing me to death and then telling me what was my sin. Just that, i don't think i deserve it this way.
Don't you think when 2 people are together, we helped each other to grow and become better for each other ? But you did not stay, you judged me for the incapability of improving, you didn't think you could help, you denied every possibility we had , you gave up whilst I was still fighting for us.
You said you are tired to be in this relationship for the last one month. Yup you're tired, of choosing a way out of it. We both are, the thing is you're tired because you think you had tried your best , and why can;t I see it or understand? The reason was, you have changed. Yup, I changed too. But you see, you kept saying you are changing, you like changing, and that You will always be changing. You have this mindset that change is inevitable and it's not your fault. But have you ever slowed down awhile and thought about what this change of you has brought about to others ? Did you ever evaluate the effect of it ?
Adapt. Yes. I fail terribly in that . But did you ever adapt to the fact that not everybody can accept your 180 degrees change ( although in this scenario we are talking about just me ) ?That sometimes, just like studying, you revert back to old methods because you know it didn't work, or you improvise on it. And , that is still change, but not changing and never looking and caring back. And then when I couldn't cope with it, i needed you to stop, but you wouldn't wait. even if you did wait, did you try to help ? Let's just say if you did help, did you believe i could. NO. NOT EVEN ONCE. You just keep on moving forward and let me played out my own strength each day. And day by day, you let that thorn bothered you until it disgust you.
You said you can't compromise. But please bear in mind, there's no such thing as can't compromise if you want to be in a relationship. There needs to be a balance. It will never work without any compromise. You need to remember this . You need to remember that change is good, but you need to help people along the way so that both of you can move at the same speed together and land on the same page. Not just -- I can't stand it and leave. Because this is really what you did. You need to give people a chance. You need to slow down sometimes. You need to talk and be more open to people, especially to the person who is with you. We had a great time in the beginning because we did all this talking about both our insecurities and giving each other the reassurance. These things can never end because whatever that started the relationship, build-ed the trust between two person , they are definitely the key to keeping it alive. It's just like a building, cement and bricks are the things that made a building a building, and they will always have to be, without them, it's hard. You need to understand that you need to be careful of the choices of words you use, especially to the person you care the most, we don't have the same amount of immune level as you. If you truly care about the person, you will know one day how much it mattered to them, every word and tone that you used. You will always leave a scar on them, just like how people left scars on you. You left some on me, you just didn't know it did, and I didn't point it out and i won't bother because now it doesn't matter anymore to you. You need to remember that, you need to make the person you care most feel that you do care all the time, that you are always there, so that they believe you and in them, but of course it needs to be of the same intensity. I know you will disagree with alot of them , or that they are just repetitions and unimportant to you. But, I know, one day, you will understand, when you meet the right person for you who could also love you the way you want to be loved, you will know that all these little things mattered the most.
I am sorry we couldn't love each other the way each of us wanted to be loved. And I am sorry I had made it difficult for you because of all my flaws. We both wanted it, but we are both not ready for each other in our own eyes. Or we may be, but we are just not made for each other. 4 months, you taught me that I could love someone again, but this isn't the way to love and I need to change while I move on. You taught me more things about myself than I have about you and I am very grateful for it. I told my mum about us, but I denied her your name and picture because I don't think it matter at all because what is important is that I never regretted this, and that you are somebody good and that I don't deserve to be with you.
I will always remember , and care about you. This can't be changed.
And if being friends is not too much for you, say hi and smile when we meet, won't you ?
Thank You ,for once being mine.
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