Storm Cleared a Little.

Things turned out to be better.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate that smile from him. Because of that gesture, tons of weight on my shoulders, and whatever that was locked in me, that mess( still there of course ) , seems to have become less messy. Yes, people will remind me that , nah, remember what he did to you, and I am like no. People say can you just move on, yes, i should, but I am still in the process and far from the impossible. People say it like it's the easiest thing in the world, unfurl. But that's not reality. 

You don't just move on like that, because all time does is that it changes you, they don't heal you. 

I can't possibly find a reason to hate him. Even if I do, that's probably because i was in an instance of bad mood, and after that it's all fine again. Yes, i remember every single thing he did for me, it was not something i could keep as a proof, it's an imprint in my heart and mind instead. I am saying all this like somebody who is still very much in love, but you know what, now I probably just love the idea of it, but still, feelings can't be denied. I remember the time when I got to know him and when we some what became close, people around me or those who claim to know him would ask, how well do you know him, about his being and his past. You don't know how grateful I am that I decided to know him myself rather than being blinded by people's judgement. i am positive i have gained an insight of things that people who judge will never know. And, I am going to keep it that way. That's how it should be. Even if the whole world thinks that I deserved better, doesn't mean that the other person deserved to be labeled negatively forever. People will mature, and they will change, even if it's for the worst, there is nothing we could do. But to judge without giving a second chance, that's utterly spiteful. 

Happiness. He gave me a numbered of days of happiness, but they were definitely good ones. I prefer holding on to pretty memories instead of the ones that hurt me. I can forgive myself for whatever pain that I may have cause him, and forgive him for his actions and broken promises Sorry, still, broken promises can never be undone, we can only remake and make sure they will always be valid.  I could never wrong him forever. I just couldn't, it sounds pathetic of me, but I want to be happy and free, so why not be pathetic if it promises you what you seek. 

Forget about what people say, what they see, what they think. They don't know my story, they don't know that despite an unhappy ending, the process was a great and hazardous one. They don't know that I had smile and laugh more than I have cried during that time. They couldn't possibly understand what we have build, gone through and destroyed altogether. Even to those who probably made it close to understanding ( yes, I am so grateful for your ears and willingness to listen,) , they will never ever get to feel it, the genuine feeling of happiness, sense of belonging to somebody, that I am eternally grateful to own it for even a brief moment. 

It's all a mess, but a beautiful mess.  And it's a mess that I decided to keep forever with me. And when those mess become undone one day (I don't know when), I know I will be alright. 

I had you, but I still have me, and maybe I will be okay.

Signing off.