Fourth Year had been a tough journey. Better hopes for Final Year
Hi, I am back from Kelantan (or so, Kelantan-Pahang-KL-Pen) and about 1 week more before entering the final year. I am not ready. But I have to be.
Not sure if I will be sharing on what 4th-year dentistry is all about-- because the drill is the same, every day you dragged your ass to class by 8.15 for an hour of lecture and 9am-5pm (and usually 6pm) will be a clinic and treating your patient. It's tough because this year is not as honey-moon as 3rd year because there are more patients to manage and many new skills to master immediately -- Endodontics, Fix Prosthodontics, Orthodontics, etc.
This year's been tough. Tougher. Wasn't pretty, because of all the hiccups along the way. But I am glad I am not alone. Thanks to those who encouraged me--my family, best friends, batchmates and lecturers and many more that I finally made it up till this point. You cannot imagine how many times I feel like a complete failure and incompetent. Especially when I am Chinese, I tend to feel the Kia-suness. I have to admit that it is hard when you always feel like the outcome is not proportional with your hard work, and then you would think maybe you didn't work hard enough. It is even harder when you keep feeling like this for the past few years. Exams or tests should have come naturally to me by now, but yet it suffocates me every time. One remedial for a Conservative clinical competency test and one for my final exam, it hit me pretty hard. The fact that I have only one shot next year to graduate on time, and that's in less than a year --11 months from now is actually very scary.
This year, I am having some shuffling in terms of my circle of friends, but it's been better. I have been able to let go of some of the relationships, and make new ones. Or sometimes, I just stay where I am comfortable at. From time to time, I talk to them, greet them, as if nothing has changed, because I do not want to become a stranger to myself and others who know me. I do not want to be ignorant just because I feel left alone sometimes because this is not their fault for making you feel like that, it is me who has to change the perception of thinking.
Along the way, I am grateful enough to have met somebody a little bit special who understands me and accepts my past and flaws, yet decided to stay. I know this person deserves better because of where i have come from. My past still haunts me, the way I think about relationships are sometimes clouded by my fear. But this time, I know at least it is not wrong for me to feel and acknowledge my insecurities, to be okay if I can't keep up or change and adapt immediately, and to be able to share them. I am just me and I will try my best to be the best for that person, but most importantly, If I want to change, I want to change for the betterment of myself as well. So, I hope he is patient with me while I am trying my best to learn from him as well. I trust that person fully, but we all have to live for ourself first before others in order to be happy. He will too. It's a growing process for both of us of learning how to love and trust another person, and finding a balance to prioritize each other and without losing ourselves as well. I hope we both will learn from each other and learn to compromise, and that our time spent together will always be a happy one.
Not all are gains. I lose my host mum in the states, whom I love very much from across the globe. She died of ovarian cancer. The day I bid her goodbye a week before she passed away was during the time when I was preparing for my remedial for a paper that I got stuck -Oral Medicine and Oral Pathology. It was the first time I really had to say goodbye to someone who is like my biological mum and dying, and knowing that she will never appear on my next FaceTime again, or hug her again, and when I go back to the states, everything will no longer be the same. It's been a week since she went to a better place, and whenever I looked at her pictures, I still feel like she never left and I will be able to see her in the next FaceTime. It pains me whenever I think of how much time we could have had. I have been picturing for don't know how many times, the moment that I would be able to see her again and hug her and Jym after I graduate for 5 long years since I said goodbye to them back then, and now It will never happen. However, I am also at peace knowing she is no longer in pain.
Final year of my dental student journey, next year, and the Aim is to graduate on time by August 2020. I prayed that all of us on the same journey will make it. And, by the time I write my next post, it will be good news.
Not sure if I will be sharing on what 4th-year dentistry is all about-- because the drill is the same, every day you dragged your ass to class by 8.15 for an hour of lecture and 9am-5pm (and usually 6pm) will be a clinic and treating your patient. It's tough because this year is not as honey-moon as 3rd year because there are more patients to manage and many new skills to master immediately -- Endodontics, Fix Prosthodontics, Orthodontics, etc.
This year's been tough. Tougher. Wasn't pretty, because of all the hiccups along the way. But I am glad I am not alone. Thanks to those who encouraged me--my family, best friends, batchmates and lecturers and many more that I finally made it up till this point. You cannot imagine how many times I feel like a complete failure and incompetent. Especially when I am Chinese, I tend to feel the Kia-suness. I have to admit that it is hard when you always feel like the outcome is not proportional with your hard work, and then you would think maybe you didn't work hard enough. It is even harder when you keep feeling like this for the past few years. Exams or tests should have come naturally to me by now, but yet it suffocates me every time. One remedial for a Conservative clinical competency test and one for my final exam, it hit me pretty hard. The fact that I have only one shot next year to graduate on time, and that's in less than a year --11 months from now is actually very scary.
This year, I am having some shuffling in terms of my circle of friends, but it's been better. I have been able to let go of some of the relationships, and make new ones. Or sometimes, I just stay where I am comfortable at. From time to time, I talk to them, greet them, as if nothing has changed, because I do not want to become a stranger to myself and others who know me. I do not want to be ignorant just because I feel left alone sometimes because this is not their fault for making you feel like that, it is me who has to change the perception of thinking.
Along the way, I am grateful enough to have met somebody a little bit special who understands me and accepts my past and flaws, yet decided to stay. I know this person deserves better because of where i have come from. My past still haunts me, the way I think about relationships are sometimes clouded by my fear. But this time, I know at least it is not wrong for me to feel and acknowledge my insecurities, to be okay if I can't keep up or change and adapt immediately, and to be able to share them. I am just me and I will try my best to be the best for that person, but most importantly, If I want to change, I want to change for the betterment of myself as well. So, I hope he is patient with me while I am trying my best to learn from him as well. I trust that person fully, but we all have to live for ourself first before others in order to be happy. He will too. It's a growing process for both of us of learning how to love and trust another person, and finding a balance to prioritize each other and without losing ourselves as well. I hope we both will learn from each other and learn to compromise, and that our time spent together will always be a happy one.
Not all are gains. I lose my host mum in the states, whom I love very much from across the globe. She died of ovarian cancer. The day I bid her goodbye a week before she passed away was during the time when I was preparing for my remedial for a paper that I got stuck -Oral Medicine and Oral Pathology. It was the first time I really had to say goodbye to someone who is like my biological mum and dying, and knowing that she will never appear on my next FaceTime again, or hug her again, and when I go back to the states, everything will no longer be the same. It's been a week since she went to a better place, and whenever I looked at her pictures, I still feel like she never left and I will be able to see her in the next FaceTime. It pains me whenever I think of how much time we could have had. I have been picturing for don't know how many times, the moment that I would be able to see her again and hug her and Jym after I graduate for 5 long years since I said goodbye to them back then, and now It will never happen. However, I am also at peace knowing she is no longer in pain.
Final year of my dental student journey, next year, and the Aim is to graduate on time by August 2020. I prayed that all of us on the same journey will make it. And, by the time I write my next post, it will be good news.
Ontdek onze Hapjespannen! - Kookstore.nl - De grootste collectie keukenapparatuur, kookartikelen en keukenaccessoires online! - Hapjespannen kopen Maak je regelmatig behoorlijke hoeveelheden eten klaar? Zit je dan ook wel eens te stunten met het bereiden van het eten? Je kent ongetwijfeld wel de situatie waarin je het eten aan het roeren bent, waarna vervolgens het eten over de rand van je pan op het fornuis…
ReplyDeleteServeerplanken