Ranting.
Nope, this is not another 3rd-year dentistry post, yet. I was just signing in to write and free my mind, while I still know what I am thinking. But first, a quick update on Malaysia, I voted for the first time on 9th May 2018 in GE14 Malaysia. And surprisingly, for the first time in 61 years, Barisan Nasional has fallen and Pakatan Harapan won and formed a new Government, with Tun Dr Mahatir, as our 7th Prime Minister. So yes, I have grown up in the era when Tun was in BN, and now, after 15 years, Tun in PH. A new Malaysia has been reborn and now let's hope and pray for the best.
Back to what I plan to write.
So much has happened in my third year of university, and what is as hard as getting a degree? It's handling humans.
When I say humans, it also includes me. Human, and still as flawed as can be. My circle of friends have changed immensely this year. It was really tough not to feel alone or trying not to. Mostly, it was tough because I have to accept the change. We grow up losing friends, a constant reminder from my dad. But, I learned, that some friends are just there for you to lose. And yes, it's as heartbreaking as breaking up in a relationship -- because you finally know your worth. Just as I slowly found my steps back on track, feeling that being just like this, having a small circle of friends who would understand me is enough, God decided to teach me another lesson, that is you can't keep friends even if you want them to. Just because you're good and they are good and we should be friends, it doesn't mean we will always be friends. Friends do leave you in the real world.
You see, I have a really good friend, even though I never know if the friend thinks the same way towards me, but I am somebody who treats friends sincerely if you treat me the same, especially when we have the same wavelength. Let's just name this person Hunter. Hunter and I started off our friendship ( as in we became closer) with a fight, it was a really ugly fight, at least to me. He understands me, and I don't understand him as much as he does. That's why I always piss him off and we fight, clear the mess and we are back on the same page. People think we are more than that and I thought we both agreed on the opposite, but that wasn't the case. He took our friendship more than it should be, and I can't put this blame on him because maybe somewhere in the middle I could have misled him. The night he confessed, I was crying. Because this is just going to be another really good friend that I am going to lose because of my rejection. I have done this before, but it never gets easy. I ended up losing one friend because I didn't reciprocate the feelings and for me to have to do this again, to somebody close and somebody I will keep on seeing until I graduate, it's a constant reminder of how many people have I lost because I didn't feel the same way. Hunter assured me he wouldn't ignore me, that we would still be friends. But I think even though I don't fully understand him, there's still this one thing about all guys, their ego. I hurt his feelings, and Hunter is somebody who doesn't keep the sufferings in him, he flushes them away as fast as he can. And by flushing, I mean deleting people who make his life miserable and never look back. Yup, Hunter does not always give second chances, he doesn't give a fuck about second chances, to be honest. It's a miracle if he did.
And because I am aware of that, I gave it more than a weeks time to test out the theory. I gave the space which I think he probably wants. Despite the promise, the assurance from Hunter, I lost in the end, still. I remember Hunter telling me that I am somebody who will fight back for something important to me. Throughout all our arguments, I have fiercely protected what I treasured and fight for people to not give up on our friendships. Sometimes, I say sorry first, because this friendship is much more important to me than me receiving an apology. But this time, it's really time for me to back off. Not because he wants me to stop fighting, but because finally, I want to. When one wants to stay, and one desperately wants to leave, it won't work. Now, I don't do the block-unfollow-unfriend thing, because it doesn't work on me. Even though I want to believe that Hunter won't do that to me -- but I am quite sure he will ( Do I need to know now ? No.) and I won't be there to talk him out of it or confront him about it. As much as I don't like his way of flushing people out of his life, I have to accept the ugly truth that rejection comes with a price and the even uglier truth? I am just a friend that can be easily cast away.
Hunter was right to snap back to me:" Since you have rejected me, why do you care ?". I care because I always have because Hunter's my friend. I won't deny that at that point it did hurt me, because frankly, somebody who just confessed to you said that after 20 minutes after you rejected him. Did he even like you that much? The fact that Hunter said: " Since you said no, I am going to go back and fight for her, why should I waste time on you ?" I think it hurt me because it made me sounded like a thing instead of a person, a friend that got picked up because it happened to be in the way and then now it got chucked away because the thing said no. Chinese saying, I sounded like a spare tyre, to be honest. But I didn't say much back to him, instead, I said he shouldn't be thinking like this if he's looking for a relationship. Even though it hurts but I still didn't just leave him there, and I knew he needed to fight for himself when I said no, he needed a way to exit so I went silent when he asks why do I even care? It sounds like I have really been wasting his time all this while when he could pursue something better. He is right, I shouldn't care.
I have another friend, let's name her Nic. Anyway, Nic's story is she's one of my close friends here on campus. But we have this fight because of our difference in opinions, obviously, both of us made mistakes but I wanted to apologise because I felt really guilty. So both of us being a long-text person, we WhatsApp each other at the same time. I sent Nic an apology message while Nic sent a farewell message, with a really nice closing note: Goodbye, and thank you for being my friend. And this was when we sent in the message at the same time when we didn't even talk about the issue yet. When I still wanted to fix things, my friend had wanted to end thing because it was easier. Yup, I was furious. I hate people who simply ask for a break off like it's one of the most normal things to do. How can people even say that lightly when we call ourselves friends? It's just bullshit. At least talk. Hunter talks, but if he see's no hope, he too is a "Goodbye, my friend" person --- you know, flushing. I will always disagree on that, it triggers me whenever I see people do this to other people and when it's done to me. And you know what's pathetic, knowing that I will lose this fight because, really people nowadays don't really give a damn on investing in friendship, and I should have known better.
And because of these two important people in my life, one lost for good and one on the verge of losing, and hopefully not. (Owh, speaking about lost for good, I forgot to mention, Hunter is somebody whom, when he thinks you have given up hope on him even when he knows it's a misunderstanding on your part, he lets you go on with it, because now the stand changes, it's your own fault for giving up on me and i ain't going to clear it with you because why fight for it when you have given up on me, it's your mistake for giving up first--- it's kind of like "now it's not me who doesn't want to be friends with you but you who don't want to be friends with me. See the thing about second chances, I told ya. Trust me, Hunter won't be saying hi to me ever again, That's why I say, I have lost him for good.) I don't want to hurt another friend right now who has been really good to me. In fact too good that I feel uneasy. I fear this same thing is going to happen, and I have been avoiding too much that it's getting harder to do so now. Pretty much asking if we want to go out, we have to go out with some of his friends and not just the two of us, and the sound of disappointment is real. But, that's how it has to be unless I really want to add to the list right now.
Anyway, June is looming already. Deadlines to meet, and many days to look forward to. Let's just get this year done with soon! I can't change what has happened, I can't keep everything I treasure, I have other people to treasure on, most importantly, i am going to remind myself to not become somebody who says "Goodbye friend" to anybody without trying to fix things first, because why waste time in becoming friends in the first place if you are just going to simply chuck that person away without putting up a fight to make things right again anyway ?
Back to what I plan to write.
So much has happened in my third year of university, and what is as hard as getting a degree? It's handling humans.
When I say humans, it also includes me. Human, and still as flawed as can be. My circle of friends have changed immensely this year. It was really tough not to feel alone or trying not to. Mostly, it was tough because I have to accept the change. We grow up losing friends, a constant reminder from my dad. But, I learned, that some friends are just there for you to lose. And yes, it's as heartbreaking as breaking up in a relationship -- because you finally know your worth. Just as I slowly found my steps back on track, feeling that being just like this, having a small circle of friends who would understand me is enough, God decided to teach me another lesson, that is you can't keep friends even if you want them to. Just because you're good and they are good and we should be friends, it doesn't mean we will always be friends. Friends do leave you in the real world.
You see, I have a really good friend, even though I never know if the friend thinks the same way towards me, but I am somebody who treats friends sincerely if you treat me the same, especially when we have the same wavelength. Let's just name this person Hunter. Hunter and I started off our friendship ( as in we became closer) with a fight, it was a really ugly fight, at least to me. He understands me, and I don't understand him as much as he does. That's why I always piss him off and we fight, clear the mess and we are back on the same page. People think we are more than that and I thought we both agreed on the opposite, but that wasn't the case. He took our friendship more than it should be, and I can't put this blame on him because maybe somewhere in the middle I could have misled him. The night he confessed, I was crying. Because this is just going to be another really good friend that I am going to lose because of my rejection. I have done this before, but it never gets easy. I ended up losing one friend because I didn't reciprocate the feelings and for me to have to do this again, to somebody close and somebody I will keep on seeing until I graduate, it's a constant reminder of how many people have I lost because I didn't feel the same way. Hunter assured me he wouldn't ignore me, that we would still be friends. But I think even though I don't fully understand him, there's still this one thing about all guys, their ego. I hurt his feelings, and Hunter is somebody who doesn't keep the sufferings in him, he flushes them away as fast as he can. And by flushing, I mean deleting people who make his life miserable and never look back. Yup, Hunter does not always give second chances, he doesn't give a fuck about second chances, to be honest. It's a miracle if he did.
And because I am aware of that, I gave it more than a weeks time to test out the theory. I gave the space which I think he probably wants. Despite the promise, the assurance from Hunter, I lost in the end, still. I remember Hunter telling me that I am somebody who will fight back for something important to me. Throughout all our arguments, I have fiercely protected what I treasured and fight for people to not give up on our friendships. Sometimes, I say sorry first, because this friendship is much more important to me than me receiving an apology. But this time, it's really time for me to back off. Not because he wants me to stop fighting, but because finally, I want to. When one wants to stay, and one desperately wants to leave, it won't work. Now, I don't do the block-unfollow-unfriend thing, because it doesn't work on me. Even though I want to believe that Hunter won't do that to me -- but I am quite sure he will ( Do I need to know now ? No.) and I won't be there to talk him out of it or confront him about it. As much as I don't like his way of flushing people out of his life, I have to accept the ugly truth that rejection comes with a price and the even uglier truth? I am just a friend that can be easily cast away.
Hunter was right to snap back to me:" Since you have rejected me, why do you care ?". I care because I always have because Hunter's my friend. I won't deny that at that point it did hurt me, because frankly, somebody who just confessed to you said that after 20 minutes after you rejected him. Did he even like you that much? The fact that Hunter said: " Since you said no, I am going to go back and fight for her, why should I waste time on you ?" I think it hurt me because it made me sounded like a thing instead of a person, a friend that got picked up because it happened to be in the way and then now it got chucked away because the thing said no. Chinese saying, I sounded like a spare tyre, to be honest. But I didn't say much back to him, instead, I said he shouldn't be thinking like this if he's looking for a relationship. Even though it hurts but I still didn't just leave him there, and I knew he needed to fight for himself when I said no, he needed a way to exit so I went silent when he asks why do I even care? It sounds like I have really been wasting his time all this while when he could pursue something better. He is right, I shouldn't care.
I have another friend, let's name her Nic. Anyway, Nic's story is she's one of my close friends here on campus. But we have this fight because of our difference in opinions, obviously, both of us made mistakes but I wanted to apologise because I felt really guilty. So both of us being a long-text person, we WhatsApp each other at the same time. I sent Nic an apology message while Nic sent a farewell message, with a really nice closing note: Goodbye, and thank you for being my friend. And this was when we sent in the message at the same time when we didn't even talk about the issue yet. When I still wanted to fix things, my friend had wanted to end thing because it was easier. Yup, I was furious. I hate people who simply ask for a break off like it's one of the most normal things to do. How can people even say that lightly when we call ourselves friends? It's just bullshit. At least talk. Hunter talks, but if he see's no hope, he too is a "Goodbye, my friend" person --- you know, flushing. I will always disagree on that, it triggers me whenever I see people do this to other people and when it's done to me. And you know what's pathetic, knowing that I will lose this fight because, really people nowadays don't really give a damn on investing in friendship, and I should have known better.
And because of these two important people in my life, one lost for good and one on the verge of losing, and hopefully not. (Owh, speaking about lost for good, I forgot to mention, Hunter is somebody whom, when he thinks you have given up hope on him even when he knows it's a misunderstanding on your part, he lets you go on with it, because now the stand changes, it's your own fault for giving up on me and i ain't going to clear it with you because why fight for it when you have given up on me, it's your mistake for giving up first--- it's kind of like "now it's not me who doesn't want to be friends with you but you who don't want to be friends with me. See the thing about second chances, I told ya. Trust me, Hunter won't be saying hi to me ever again, That's why I say, I have lost him for good.) I don't want to hurt another friend right now who has been really good to me. In fact too good that I feel uneasy. I fear this same thing is going to happen, and I have been avoiding too much that it's getting harder to do so now. Pretty much asking if we want to go out, we have to go out with some of his friends and not just the two of us, and the sound of disappointment is real. But, that's how it has to be unless I really want to add to the list right now.
Anyway, June is looming already. Deadlines to meet, and many days to look forward to. Let's just get this year done with soon! I can't change what has happened, I can't keep everything I treasure, I have other people to treasure on, most importantly, i am going to remind myself to not become somebody who says "Goodbye friend" to anybody without trying to fix things first, because why waste time in becoming friends in the first place if you are just going to simply chuck that person away without putting up a fight to make things right again anyway ?
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