Unexpected Confession.

I just decided to write it up here because i doubt anybody would come across this site as much as I do, haha. 

Something unexpected ( kinda ) happened on the 17th of June 2015, but it was totally understandable.

I was watching the 9pm Tiger Mum show on TV while scrolling my whatsapp, just for fun. And then I was checking one of my best friends chat history, so when a message came in, there was no notification. As i exit, I realized my name was leading the message that I have overlooked.

But as soon as I understood the tone of the message ( I did not finish reading it ) , I knew this was a confession. One that I had fear would come while we were in each other's company so often before this, it made me panic during the Truth or Dare game we had . But it had ceased down to a quiet tone after that. My friends and I  had a discussion about it long before and I knew I should do something before I mislead or hurt somebody, after all he is a good guy. But we were all so busy with our exams and farewells that it wasn't really something I should really worry about. So, we carry on like we always have , keeping close in contact, which wasn't a problem because it wasn't annoying at all. It's good to have somebody to talk to. And, I am happy and appreciated his virtual company.

Anyway, that was the story but he was just being honest .

Suzanne, I don't know how I'm going to start this. So, I'm going to be direct. I like you. I just thought I should let it out. And you don't have to say anything back, you probably need time to process what I've said. I understand.

Even though I had several phone confessions,( I am definitely not bragging, just a few)  given the exception to the first one, I guess this was the one that probably moved me the most but gave me no pressure. And because of that, I wasn't frustrated, but grateful for this.

It was a statement, not a question. It was an expression, not an investigation. It was pure gallant. Before this, all of them wanted an answer, and i hated it. This was different, even if i were to give an honest answer, It wasn't too hard for both of us either, I hope. I always end up mad in the past because they couldn't accept no.

They wouldn't even give me a chance to explore the chemistry between us and went straight to the reaction.

Anyway, i gave him a brief response, which I think wasn't too appropriate. But it was casual enough. But, i will give him a reply here even though it wasn't a question. Here :

First of all, that was really an unexpected turn of events, but not really a surprise though. If you were to add a question mark to it, frankly, I would have to say no, and it would have been hard for me to say it, because to me, you're different, and somewhat special too. So, for this, I am glad you did not make me or let me have the chance to present it that way.

To be honest, I was confused too. I was confused about myself, which direction was I heading to. But,  when I replied you within that time frame,I knew my answer.  I knew if I reciprocate you indirectly in some way, it wouldn't be fair for both of us. Think it as a delusion.  But sometimes reality does sets in, and sometimes a relationship is not only an equation of the 2 of us. There are things where rationality and human rights ( what does this have to do with whats happening?) , and morality don't make sense either. I am trying to make you understand, but it's best if you don't. If only this world does not survive on having to be realistic, then things would be easier.  

Disregarding the current circumstances, and if I am not who I am now, honestly, It might have been a Yes. Might.  There were just too many factors that I dare not take a step into these things anymore. I got hurt once, and I swear I would only let myself get hurt the second time, only when I know  that it will be my last time.  

You don't know that I do imagine how things would have been different if this world were to be different, but all of it, it has always been good. We won't know what will happen, things might change, who knows? So, don't beat yourself up for this or bang your head on the wall, haha ! But, I can assure you , you will always be my very good friend, even if it's for now. 

Even if you no longer see me as a friend anymore one day. 

and If you ever come across this, CHEERS !