Today is NOT OK

I am once again back from Balik Pulau. Nothing special these few days, except for the fact that Campaign Boy is back. Right, he is extremely skinny, hates milk( imagine having to spoon-feed milk 3 times a day ), couldn't defecate. His favourite hobby is now walking throughout the house, screaming, and digging everything within reach with his super finger.

Rolling emotions. Shit. Without Facebook in Penang, it wasn't that bad, it was suppose to be a distraction. Actually, I have plenty of time to think about being , me. Stupid and ridiculous imagination kept haunting my mind every night. I was so afraid of loosing what I have. I couldn't sleep till like hours in bed before I drifted. I wonder if what I said was right about the seasons, it's just so true that if I was the one who had been aware of this since months ago, why would it bother me so much. I wanted, badly, yet reluctantly at the same time, get out of the dwelling and hoping that something that was better than nothing would happen. I was insane to even wish for it to happen, picturing myself in vague and impossible scenes, inventing dialogues that were just killing,  Why did God made me so vulnerable?

I can't just leave everything to God, being irresponsible, I have to control what I have in order to fix something. I feel like I took everything for granted, even Hazard. I don't know if I started the right way to make myself feel detest to make things right. If I was given the chances to witness  and experience the changes of this friend, why wasn't I being able to take it seriously and instead, ruined everything?

To be honest, I noticed something.The barrier within my friends and me are getting stronger. Seriously, I wish they know, I wanted to tell them, but this doesn't seem possible. I know it's because of my ruminating, as usual, nothing change, even I myself was convinced of it, but there was always a held back. What's more, even during holiday mode.I blocked myself from certain telecasting of theirs, worrying that there was something I shouldn't know. ( Something is wrong with me ) though I found some alternatives, which had helped a little. Of course,I couldn't tell Hazard, that would be totally insane and die trying. 

I really hope it's just the ruminating.

Jot:

1. Dad and Mum started hinting me to take Chinese for SPM. They have completely forgotten their green lights, meaning me reconsidering again. My maternal aunt, Ke Xin's mum, told mum that taking Chinese is better in order to get credit ( which I have no idea of it ), seeing that I WAS ONLY TAKING 11 SUBJECTS, and not 13 compare to Ke Xin.
I am seriously going to get trouble with her having 13 and me just 10 next year. There's going to be so many comparisons.

2. It has been years since Ke Xin talked to me, she asked about my Sciences (~s). I said it was quite quite OK. I wonder if she's lying, her Sciences took off from grade-B till now. This is impossible, I had tried Heng Ee's paper and her standard has always been higher.

3. Ping told me that PACAK IS COMING BACK to our school, permanently, and the chances are really high. He didn't get much out of his school in KL. This is thrilling. =D

4. Having Pacak coming back means having an antidote to cure off everything. I hope the other wouldn't mind. Of course, that person wouldn't have to.

5. I was told that I was Storekeeper for St John. SERIOUSLY!??? Could they just inspect my house first, or at least my transportation means ?This is totally not about marks or just mere position. I know I am silly to get frustrated over this matter but still WTH.

Hope :  Dark Clouds in my mind, Hush and Leave Me. Let the Moon rays reach me.