Excruciating Day
I just wanted to say i don't feel like doing anything at the moment except feeding my blog with all kinds of emotions i had been carrying all day...
First of all...i certainly miss him alot. Its like a thousand miles away from his house...but to me it's worst..i just can;t understand the feeling i am having for him. Having the presence of utcut-ness was likely, and the snapping came as usual eventhough i did promise to myself not to. I avoided the sulking part, but that did not stop me from feeling unbearable. I tried not to cry because i know tears won;t change anything. i know he is still out there...but i just need to see him.
I need to see him now...
But everything from me for him is always a no, except missing him. I wanted him with me forever...its a no. I wanted to see him...it's a no. I wanted to speak to him in person...it's a no yet again. i thought i would be able to pull myself together today ( only today...) but NO! Mum suddenly brought up the subject to my brother i have a boyfriend myself too. I didn't deny it...and i was glad that mum didn't start a lecture. And so i have all the time to myself figuring about him.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
That's a fact. But i couldn't help feeling like i was being moon-blinked.( owl language...a process where your memory slips away) it was weird to suddenly realized that the more i thought about him , the more he becomes nothing but just a sound. I couldn't have that happen to me. so i guess this was the solution to why i wasn't thinking about him lately ,and when his name slips into my mind, it's like a boom that was sent through my nerves of my brain, making me hyperaware that he hadn't text me for days, and maybe it's because of that solution, i have a habit of counting the days when he didn't text me.
Mirror.
Sleepless night almost everday. I woke up early today and went to the mirror.Whoa! i have panda eyes. i guess the problem was i couldn't sleep without a good night from him. But i was relieved to realize that i was more excited than miserable yesterday night. The excitment of me winning the competition hadn't fade yet...and guess what.. i outran UNDERGROUND GUY! he wasn't happy about the fact that a junior actually beat him.
Back to him...nobody had ever make me cry at night. I am not a cry baby..but when it's all about him, then i am a cry baby. I can't deny that i am weak when it relates to him...weak interms of my emotions and my self-control and my self-resistance.
Music.
I broke the inner-string of my Erhu. I played with so much force. I couldn't help not thinking about my last session with Mr. Wong. " You have to play with feelings...,inner-strenght..." "I will teach you how to vibrate the strings after your exams." that was all he told me ...I played with all my feelings..but it broke...not broke, it should be snapped. He passed away on 21 Oct, but i only got the news on 19 Nov, the day i was suppose to have my Erhu lesson. I was really surprise when i Google him online. He was actually a really famous Erhu player, the winner of the internatioanal competition in 1973. I gues
s the string snapped signifiying that he had left.
Love is easier.
This is going to be my second debate title. I can't believe how these 3 words affected my emotions. Just the word Love meant sumthing to me, a word that starts with the letter L.
The love for him is now deeper than before. The fact of me falling for him will never change. The love for him might have been easier before, but it will become more difficult as time flows. I have tried my best to keep his presence, if God doesn't love me, i will just let it go, if God does, i will go on with what i have planted in my heart.
It's excrucuiating to be away from what i love, but more excrucitaing when i cannot even hear his voice when i miss him so much.
I never dream off him again after my last dream of him. I don't care if it does come back or if it doesn't, i just wanted to make sure he still knows i still exsists in his life.
I love you...
First of all...i certainly miss him alot. Its like a thousand miles away from his house...but to me it's worst..i just can;t understand the feeling i am having for him. Having the presence of utcut-ness was likely, and the snapping came as usual eventhough i did promise to myself not to. I avoided the sulking part, but that did not stop me from feeling unbearable. I tried not to cry because i know tears won;t change anything. i know he is still out there...but i just need to see him.
I need to see him now...
But everything from me for him is always a no, except missing him. I wanted him with me forever...its a no. I wanted to see him...it's a no. I wanted to speak to him in person...it's a no yet again. i thought i would be able to pull myself together today ( only today...) but NO! Mum suddenly brought up the subject to my brother i have a boyfriend myself too. I didn't deny it...and i was glad that mum didn't start a lecture. And so i have all the time to myself figuring about him.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
That's a fact. But i couldn't help feeling like i was being moon-blinked.( owl language...a process where your memory slips away) it was weird to suddenly realized that the more i thought about him , the more he becomes nothing but just a sound. I couldn't have that happen to me. so i guess this was the solution to why i wasn't thinking about him lately ,and when his name slips into my mind, it's like a boom that was sent through my nerves of my brain, making me hyperaware that he hadn't text me for days, and maybe it's because of that solution, i have a habit of counting the days when he didn't text me.
Mirror.
Sleepless night almost everday. I woke up early today and went to the mirror.Whoa! i have panda eyes. i guess the problem was i couldn't sleep without a good night from him. But i was relieved to realize that i was more excited than miserable yesterday night. The excitment of me winning the competition hadn't fade yet...and guess what.. i outran UNDERGROUND GUY! he wasn't happy about the fact that a junior actually beat him.
Back to him...nobody had ever make me cry at night. I am not a cry baby..but when it's all about him, then i am a cry baby. I can't deny that i am weak when it relates to him...weak interms of my emotions and my self-control and my self-resistance.
Music.
I broke the inner-string of my Erhu. I played with so much force. I couldn't help not thinking about my last session with Mr. Wong. " You have to play with feelings...,inner-strenght..." "I will teach you how to vibrate the strings after your exams." that was all he told me ...I played with all my feelings..but it broke...not broke, it should be snapped. He passed away on 21 Oct, but i only got the news on 19 Nov, the day i was suppose to have my Erhu lesson. I was really surprise when i Google him online. He was actually a really famous Erhu player, the winner of the internatioanal competition in 1973. I gues
s the string snapped signifiying that he had left.Love is easier.
This is going to be my second debate title. I can't believe how these 3 words affected my emotions. Just the word Love meant sumthing to me, a word that starts with the letter L.
The love for him is now deeper than before. The fact of me falling for him will never change. The love for him might have been easier before, but it will become more difficult as time flows. I have tried my best to keep his presence, if God doesn't love me, i will just let it go, if God does, i will go on with what i have planted in my heart.
It's excrucuiating to be away from what i love, but more excrucitaing when i cannot even hear his voice when i miss him so much.
I never dream off him again after my last dream of him. I don't care if it does come back or if it doesn't, i just wanted to make sure he still knows i still exsists in his life.
I love you...
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